Every magazine and every shop window is overflowing with the merchandise for the soon-to-be-released Lord of the Rings movie. Why? It's overwritten, over-hyped and, quite frankly, it's mind numbingly boring. If people want to read the books, watch the movies and buy all the merchandise that's fine, but can they please do it in the privacy of their own homes without inflicting it on the unsuspecting public?

I KNOW the new movie has just come out and everything, but why is there Lord of the Rings stuff everywhere? Why? Come on people, it's just a film (or book, if you're a purist about it).

Seriously, I'm quite concerned about how widespread this stuff is. I mean, it's everywhere. From cereal packets and margarine tubs to collectable figures and trading cards - someone somewhere is getting very rich off the back of Tolkein's creation. Now I'm not averse to life-size Orlando Bloom posters smouldering from shop windows, but the merchandise from this film seems to be way more widespread than from any other: it really is everywhere.

It's not even that which bothers me the most. It's how popular it's become. Sounds strange, I know, but it's the intensity of its popularity that really worries me. It's like some kind of cult has brainwashed the whole world into avidly following the lives of a bunch of elves and dwarves and giant talking trees. People talk about the characters like they're actually real people and they're about to go meet Gandalf for a swift one down the local.

And it's not just kids (although I do know a plenty of ten-year-olds who will only speak in elvish and have already plotted to escape school to see the film the first day it comes out), it's grown men and women. For crying out loud, the Prime Minister of New Zealand turned up to the premiere in an elvish cloak. The Prime Minister! Could it be more ridiculous and embarrassing? A world leader prancing around in public dressed as an elf. The shame.

OK, I admit. In case you hadn't guessed already, I hate these films. And the books. It's not like I haven't tried - I managed to read ten whole pages of the first book before developing an alarming desire to poke myself in the eye to alleviate the boredom and I even sat through most of the first film before deciding it would be more fun to clean my room.

Alas, even Messieurs Bloom and Mortenson leaping around in tights was not enough to keep me interested. And that's the thing that really bugs me. Everybody else is so wrapped up in it, gets so enthusiastic about it, that I kind of feel left out. Like everyone else is having some kind of epiphany that I'm just unable to experience. So maybe it's unfair to keep whinging about all the merchandise in the shops and the constant discussions and musings on the upcoming film. I just really hope Santa remembers that not everyone wants nothing more than a life-size speaking poseable Gollum doll this year.

Updated: 12:21 Wednesday, December 17, 2003