Son opens up about his dad's suicide and the help available

“Step one, you say, ‘We need to talk’. He walks, you say ‘sit down, it’s just a talk’. In hindsight, the song lyrics from The Fray’s song ‘How to save a life’ was the last 15 years of my relationship with my late father, Michael,

“And I still wish today that I’d been able to persuade him to accept help and then our ‘last talk’ might have been memorable for more positive reasons.

“For those who met me and my family there was often a quiet, unassuming bloke sat in the background.

“Until that Wednesday three years ago, that was my dad and his death has left a big gap in my life and even bigger shoes to fill in my family.

“I learnt so much from him over the years and I’m hopefully a better person, parent and husband because of him.

“But I wanted to share my family’s story because if it encourages just one person to reach out then it will be worth it.

“After spending his adult life working hard and supporting the family, my dad became physically ill and unable to work for a period in his late 40s before taking early retirement and moving to live the Mediterranean life on Cote d’Azur.

“For the first years the lifestyle seemed to suit but as grandchildren arrived the cracks in the façade started to appear, manifesting itself in a six-month disappearance during a visit to the UK in early 2005.

“Eventually he was found, and he returned as though nothing had happened and no discussion was allowed.

“Some weeks later I went to visit my dad on his final trip to France – I spent a couple of days with him and for the first time in my life I saw him cry, discussing his life, the death of his parents, his work struggles and how, as he was arranging his life after his disappearance, he planned to take his life but couldn’t go through with it.

“Fast forward 13 years. The last time I saw my dad was Sunday, August 5, 2018 when he came to a family gathering at our house.

“He was obviously, but not visibly, distressed but wouldn’t talk to me about it in front of people. The following week I received a message asking if I knew where he was.

“Call it intuition or a sixth sense but I knew immediately that any thoughts I had of trying to persuade him to seek help were too late.

“Sadly, on that Wednesday morning my fears were confirmed, and his body was found.

“No note was left; no final words were said. So much opportunity for help was left unused.

“My last message to him went unanswered and by which point I now know it was already too late.

“Looking back, Dad had spent years answering any questions about how he was doing with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m okay’ when quite obviously he wasn’t.

“Unfortunately, he felt he couldn’t tell anyone how he was really feeling and or ask for help.

“In his legacy, my hope it for everyone to look out for each other that little bit more, talk to your friends and family, make time for each other and if you don’t think you can help someone you are worried about then find someone who can before it’s too late.

“Suicide is far too common, and is the answer for many who’ve lost hope, but until you’ve lost someone close to you, you’ll never truly understand the devastation it can bring to those left behind.

“I will continue to raise a glass to my dad whenever I’m able to visit his favourite places but until then, I’ll hug my family that bit tighter and ask you all to do the same.”

In England, around one in eight men have a common mental health problem such as depression, anxiety, panic disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

Around three-quarters of registered suicides in England and Wales in 2019 were among men.

Two out of every three people who take their life have not previously had contact with mental health services.

North Yorkshire Police has recorded more than 32,117 incidents over the last 12 months where mental health has been a factor – an increase of 6,512 incidents a year.

To speak to a Samaritan, call 116 123. To donate to the Samaritans emergency appeal visit samaritans.org/york